Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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