Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
