Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
