i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
