Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
50% drunk capacity currently
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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