That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize