my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
