Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
