oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
