I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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