Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
