His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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