eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
