He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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