I wish I could teleport
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
