listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
