i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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