theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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