Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
