i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
