Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
