So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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