Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
