Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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