Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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