I think I won the penis lottery.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
