you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
