Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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