Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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