after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
