The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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