You just made me feel so damn special
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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