that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
