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Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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