so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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