if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
