that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
