plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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