my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Success! We fucked roommates!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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