I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
