Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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