i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
