There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
