All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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