I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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