I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
