Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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