Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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