dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
