and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
