After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
