he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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