forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I puked a lego.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Someone signed my nipple.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
