she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize