I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
