Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
