im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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