someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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