Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think my fart just growled at me.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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