I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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