I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
