I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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