I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
