I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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