Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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