okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
