good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
