So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
