I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Couch. On fire.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
